By Jessica Dalton | Monster Hill Books

Well… that was fast. I failed at my own challenge in less than 24 hours. How quickly I forgot my commitments. It’s embarrassing, but it’s honest. However, after failing miserably I caught myself and reminded myself of the commitment I made… for all the world to see. So I started over.

But first, here’s why I think I failed. I was in the middle of dishes at the end of the night and hollered at the kids to clean up their things from the living room. Which they started to and then got distracted because, well they’re kids. So then I hollered again, still from the kitchen sink, and they started again… and then got distracted again. So then I shouted (aka yelled) at them to get back to the living room to clean NOW! So they hurried in and started cleaning again.

Then I looked at my husband and said, well that didn’t work. He was well aware of the commitment I had made and we were both well aware that neither of us had done either of my three commitments.

So in that moment, I stopped and started over.

Eliminate distractions… so I turned off the sink and walked over to my kids.
Connect… I clearly and respectfully told them to look at me so I could see their cute little eyes.
Why would they want to listen… I reminded them that it was our plan to go to visit family the next day and waking up to a clean house meant we could leave that much sooner. OR we could go to bed now and leave later the next day. It wasn’t a threat, it was the truth with compassion. I knew how excited they were to visit their family and friends, and I knew they would want to leave sooner rather than later. Win win!

And what do you know, THEY LISTENED!

I got down on their level.
I said their names with warmth.
I gave a choice.
I stayed calm.

And it worked. Bam.

Since then, I’ve continued to research why this works and here’s what I’ve discovered:

Listening Isn’t Always Instant

Kids are not mini-adults. They’re still developing the skills we expect from them. That includes things like emotional regulation, impulse control, and yes… listening.

One idea that really stood out to me came from Dr. Becky Kennedy, the clinical psychologist behind Good Inside. She often reminds parents that:

“Your child isn’t giving you a hard time, they’re having a hard time.”

This statement reframed something for me.

What if, when my kids don’t listen, it’s not defiance… it’s dysregulation?
What if they’re not ignoring me… they’re overwhelmed? Or overstimulated? Or can’t articulate how hard transitions are?

I learned from The Whole-Brain Child by Dr. Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson that kids literally can’t access the logical “listening” part of their brain when they’re in a state of emotional overload. For my neurodivergent child, transitions are super hard and can sometimes be emotionally overwhelming.

“When we expect children to listen when they’re emotionally overwhelmed, we’re expecting them to access a part of the brain that’s not online yet.”

Okay. That made sense. So now I’m asking…

What Can I Do Instead?

Here are a few things I’m experimenting with now, because I want to get better at this too.

1. Pause and Check the Environment

Sometimes my child can’t listen because something else is in the way.

• Are they hungry? Tired? Overstimulated?
• Are they deep in play?
• Is their brain still processing a big feeling?

If the answer to any of those is yes, maybe they can’t listen yet… not because they won’t, but because their system is maxed out.

I’d like to try this instead:

“Looks like your brain is still busy. Let’s take a break and I’ll check back in.”

2. Reconnect Before I Repeat

Dr. Becky often says, “Connection before correction.”

Now, I’m trying to go to my kids, not shout at them from the kitchen.
I might kneel down, put a hand on their shoulder, and say their name softly before I speak.

What I try saying:

“You were so focused on that game, I get it. I need your attention now and we can refocus on that in just a moment (or at an honest time)”

It may not always work perfectly, but it works better than barking commands from across the house.

3. Accept That Listening is a Long Game

I used to think: “I explained it calmly. Why didn’t they just do it?”

Now I’m learning to expect a learning curve.
Like brushing their teeth or tying shoes, listening is a skill that takes years (not days) to develop.

A reminder for myself:

“I’m planting seeds. It may not show up right now, but it’s growing.”

4. Natural Consequences (Not Threats)

I’m still learning how to handle this part, but something that helps is thinking about natural consequences instead of punishments.

For example:

“If we don’t leave now, we won’t have time for the park.”

“If these toys aren’t cleaned up, they’ll take a rest on the shelf for the day.”

It’s not about getting revenge. It’s about letting real life do the teaching, not threats or shame.

(More on consequences in the next post, because I still have a lot of questions there too.)

5. Reset When I Mess Up

This one is big for me.

Sometimes, even after all my efforts, I get frustrated. I snap. I raise my voice. I go into lecture mode.

And then I feel awful.

But what I’m learning is: it’s never too late to reconnect.

What I’d like to try saying:

“I didn’t like how I spoke to you earlier. Let’s try again. I want to be calm, even when it’s hard.”

Final Thoughts

I don’t have it all figured out. I’m still learning. Still trying. Still asking new questions every day.

But I do believe this:

Listening is a skill. And parenting is a relationship, not a performance.

So if your child still isn’t listening, even after all your gentle tools, it doesn’t mean you’re failing.

It just means, like me and your kids, we’re all still learning.

You’re not alone.